How to be assertive (nicely) at work as a manager

“I work with project managers around the world, and increasingly there’s one success trait that I find could use a tune-up,” says Andy Kaufman, host of The People and Projects Podcast. “In a word, it’s assertiveness.”

MindTools defines assertiveness as the “ability to express your opinions positively and with confidence.”

‘Assertiveness techniques’ is an umbrella term that links together a range of ways to be and to express assertiveness without spilling over into aggressiveness or over-confidence.

But it’s hard to get the balance right. Some of this is unquestionably cultural. Sometimes the problem is perception on your side or on others.

Some people view assertiveness at work as aggression, and that can hold them back from taking even small steps towards being more assertive at work.

“For many of us, we live with the mindset stepping out is risky, and since we have rent or mortgage payments to make, we play it safe,” says Andy. “We edit ourselves down. Conform.”

But you don’t have to. Regardless of the reason, sometimes, as managers, we can take an overly passive position, and that can be holding you, your projects and your career back.

Easy techniques for being more assertive at work

So how do we do it? Here are some techniques I have used over the years both for myself and to share with the people I mentor. They will help you demonstrate assertiveness and therefore get what you want in a professional way (without riding over the needs of others).

Talking about “I” not “we”

I see this often with CVs or in job applications because a project manager will write about “we/the team” which is a professional way to share success with a group as it is not the project manager who has delivered every single thing on the project… but the CV needs to focus on what they individually actually did and should have more focus on “I” statements.

Removing hedging language

I covered this in my recent webinar on project reporting, which you can watch below. Where possible, remove ‘should/could/might’ from the discussion and replace with a stronger statement like ‘will/won’t’.

One of my old bosses pulled me up on using ‘need’ in a business case a long time ago because he said there was not much in life that we truly need, so instead we can phrase things as ‘want’.

This makes it clear what is expected and removes any ambiguity where people can say it wasn’t a priority or it wasn’t clear that they wanted something.

Asking for more time or to do things in a different way

Often stakeholders should be asking for more time to complete work if they are stretched, but they don’t always feel empowered to do so.

One of my mentees asked me if they could talk to the project sponsor directly, and I said they could. They absolutely could have that conversation. It might not go the way they wanted, but they at least could try.

In this case, she could ask to do something in a different way to get a better result.

The good news is that these easy-to-implement practical tips won’t just help you look more assertive. You’ll actually be more assertive. And they aren’t scary to put into practice everyday either.

Being you, but more assertively

Sarah Robb-O’Hagan wrote a book entitled Extreme You. She shares important lessons to help us all dial up our assertiveness. Andy shared with me 3 points from Sarah on the theme of how to be more assertive at work.

1.      Check yourself out

Check yourself out. That’s Sarah’s phrase for trying new things. Lots of things.

“It’s easy to fall into a rut, with our approaches, our skill sets, and our thinking,” says Andy. “I’ve had too many coaching clients who aspired to make a living more closely aligned to their passions, but they get caught in the trap of a job they hate but seemingly can’t leave because the compensation is too good.”

You don’t have to leave your job. Just try some different things around the edges of your work, on the side.

“Years ago, I started speaking at some technology conferences – just one or two a year,” Andy explains. “It scared the daylights out of me. But now I do it for a living!”

2.      Listen

Listen to what others are saying (and not saying). “It could very well be that you’ve been receiving feedback – spoken or not – that you’re too passive” Andy says. That might show up as being told you are too quiet, or that you don’t take the initiative often enough.

Sarah suggests you watch for what you’ve been avoiding. “This can be a good indication of an area you must work on,” Andy explains. “Look for patterns of feedback.” If you hear the same feedback regularly, or you know that you’ve been avoiding stepping up to do something, then use that as your cue.

Sarah also suggests that you watch for when you are the punchline! If people are joking about some aspect of your behavior (for example, “Hey, look! Andy’s late for the meeting again! What a surprise!”), it might be a sign that it’s time to do something differently.

3.      Speak up

When you’re in a meeting and find yourself thinking, “Why is everyone around here just sitting and waiting for someone else to bring up the issue?” take that as a sign that it’s time to use your words.

“Being more assertive with colleagues doesn’t mean you must be the person who’s always talking,” Andy says. “But being quiet is easily misread.”

Andy shared that Eric Barker told him in an interview, that one proxy people use to determine if someone is a leader is this: how often do they speak up in a meeting?

“I’d suggest that’s a weak measure,” Andy says, “but Barker shows research to back it up. Maybe it’s time to speak up a bit more, perhaps even by asking more questions.”

Assertiveness pays (literally!)

“Harvard’s Teresa Amabile published a study called ‘Brilliant But Cruel’,” Andy says. “Her research found that if someone is too nice, we assume they must be less competent.” Scary.

“Men low in the personality trait agreeableness make as much as USD 10,000 a year more than men high in agreeableness,” he adds. “Somehow rude people have better credit scores. I don’t get it. I don’t even want to believe it. And I certainly don’t want to suggest that you become a jerk by taking that advice.”

Andy shares another example. “I had a coaching client who told me he wanted to be promoted from a Director level to a Vice President in the next nine months. If he didn’t receive the promotion, he would leave his company.”

Andy said that he rarely comes across people so focused on a title, but this particular client was set on achieving that title. Together, they came up with a plan which included making his desires clear to his boss. “He didn’t make ‘the ask’ out of a spirit of entitlement – he clarified he would do whatever it took,” Andy said.

Nine months later they celebrated his promotion. “It wasn’t brilliant coaching that got him the VP title – it was a matter of being assertive with his desires and doing the demanding work to earn it,” Andy explains.

Dial it up

“Here’s what I wish for you,” Andy says. “Dial up your assertiveness, even if just a little. Speak up a little more often. Lean in a little more to the opportunities before you. Try some new things you may have checked out on.”

Assertive communication helps you ask for what you want without resorting to aggressive behavior. It helps you set healthy boundaries, respond with resilience in difficult situations, and seek the middle ground where it makes sense to do so – don’t feel you have to cave every time, even if the person asking is more senior than you.

To be assertive, you have to know what you want from an interaction, or from life in general, so you can advocate for your own goals and choices.

Being assertive is an everyday skill

Assertiveness techniques work at all levels, with diverse stakeholders, although we might adapt the techniques to allow for a more prominent demonstration of respect to those higher up in the organization.

I can support my project team in achieving the overall project goals through assertive behavior, for example, in guiding the conversation towards positive enquiry where we look at what is working.

Or I can take the opposite approach and ask them directly what is not working for them. Then we can do something differently to improve outcomes.

Your next steps

I took an assertiveness training workshop in my early 20s and I’m sure it changed my behavior at work fundamentally.

Being around assertive people who led the workshop, getting permission to speak up, learning a method for scripting conversations, resolving conflict, thinking about what assertive body language looks like – these are all things I got from the workshop and took to heart.

If you feel like assertiveness training is something you’d benefit from, ask your manager! They might agree you’d get something out of it and make it happen. And if they don’t support you, what’s stopping you going out and doing it yourself?

Thanks to Bob Sutton for the reference to Amabile’s work: Teresa Amabile, “Brilliant but Cruel: Perception of Negative Evaluators,” Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 19 (1983), 146-156.